I realized that I HAVE to go number two outside the comfort of my home at some point in my life.
When did this come into mind? While I was at work, of course.
Even if you try to avoid it, your bowel movement WILLL BETRAY you and you’ll need to use a public bathroom to take a dump (or two).
As with all battles, it’s better to be prepared.
Below, we impart our knowledge on how to poop quietly in a public restroom.
7 Ways to Poop Quietly in the Office Bathroom (or at Home!)
While most of our scenarios revolve around the office restroom, feel free to apply them elsewhere (a public bathroom, the guest bathroom of your friend, gym bathroom, etc.).
If you live with another person at home, embarrassing noises from pooping is one of the issues you’ll have to face.
Before we discuss our tips on how to poop quietly, you’ll need the following:
- Toilet paper
- Soap or hand sanitizer
Without further ado, we present our 7 best tips on how to poop quietly:
1. Timing Is Key
When it comes to stealth pooping, choosing the right time is the most crucial point. Granted, it isn’t easy to hold your poop in. Plus, it’s not good for your health!
That’s not what we’re saying.
Instead, know the “peak times” at work. In other words: When everyone seems to use the bathroom.
For example, your office mates may use the bathroom the most before or after their lunch break. Or BEFORE a long meeting.
Make your “poop routine” outside these high-traffic times. For instance, you can go to the bathroom while everyone is having their meals.
Or you could approach it in a completely opposite manner: Use the bathroom when it’s full.
Why? In a crowded bathroom, people won’t be able to tell who’s the one dumping their breakfast burrito down the toilet.
Remember, your poop timing is tied to your daily routines.
If you’re the type to go first thing in the morning, arrive a few minutes earlier when nobody’s at work yet.
If you go right after drinking coffee, then you’ll know when to schedule your coffee breaks!
2. Choose the Right Stall
Choosing the right stall is vital to avoid being distracted even if people come and go.
THE BEST would be the stall at the farthest end from the door. The first and second stalls are used a lot, so you’ll want to avoid these stalls.
If someone is already inside the restroom, distance yourself by skipping two or three stalls to keep embarrassing noises to a minimum.
Of course, it might be embarrassing to have eye contact with your co-worker right after doing your business. In that case, why not try a bathroom on a different floor?
This way, no one will know who just took a huge dump. You’ll also reduce the chance of bumping into your co-worker outside the stalls.
3. Dump a Wad of Toilet Paper in the Toilet Bowl
After choosing the right timing and stall, let’s get down to business so you can START your business.
But wait. You need to do ONE MORE PART.
Grab some toilet paper. Roll it up, then place it inside the toilet bowl. The more paper, the merrier.
The top part should be dry while the rest are submerged in water. This will prevent any plopping sounds or splashback.
If you’re worried, simply add more toilet paper. Just be careful as this might clog the toilet bowl — this causes a lot more problems you don’t want to deal with!
If you have more paper left, use that to layer it on the toilet seat. A lot of people use the bathroom multiple times per day, so you’ll want to make sure your butt remains clean.
4. Close the Doors and Make Some Noise
Once you get to the bathroom, make sure to close all the doors.
The walls and doors of public restrooms are notorious for being thin. Closing the bathroom doors will help with soundproofing, so no one will hear you poop.
Plus, remember that offices tend to have narrow and long hallways. You wouldn’t want all of your co-workers to hear your poop ECHO, would you?
So, now that you’re inside, it’s time to do the opposite: Make noises.
There are several ways to go about that.
Turn On the Exhaust Fan
As soon as you get past the bathroom door, turn on the exhaust fan. Plus hand dryers if there are any at work.
Public restrooms, including your office restroom, tend to have noisy exhaust fans and hand dryers. Now’s the time to use it to your advantage for everyone to hear.
Run the Faucet
If you don’t have those, don’t fret! Run the faucet instead.
While this may seem a bit wasteful, let’s be honest: you’re not paying for the water bills.
Plus, we’d take a running faucet anytime over the mortifying noise of my poop; thank you very much!
If your office uses one of those automatic faucets that turn off after a few seconds, continue reading our guide below.
Play Some Music
Playing music will cover up the splash coming from your poop.
If you’re in an office bathroom, you may want to stick to white noises (or pink or brown noises). These are sounds you can hear from devices, machines, or nature.
An example of white noise is a whirring fan or television static. Pink or brown noise examples are usually from nature, such as rain, thunder, etc.
These noises will mask the sound of your poop. Playing calming sounds (e.g., running water) may also help you with your anxiety.
If you’re at a friend’s house, try switching it to loud sounds, like club music. The heavy thumping sounds will cover up your own plopping noise.
If you can’t play music, you can always flush the toilet instead.
We’ll discuss that in detail below (Tip #5). But basically, the flushing noise should drown out the noise from your poop.
While we’re on this topic, do NOT try the following:
- Clearing your throat or coughing
- Tapping the toilet seat against the wall
- Stomping your foot
- Fake crying or screaming
Coughing, crying, or screaming may alert your co-workers. Some may even think you’re in trouble and call security. Yikes.
Making any other noises will just raise more questions from anyone coming in and out of the restroom.
5. Go for a Courtesy Flush
The flush from the toilet will cover up any noise coming from, ahem, your stall.
So if you had a huge meal and you know something equally big is coming… All you have to do is a courtesy flush.
Similar to the faucet, this method may seem wasteful. But really, aren’t you here to protect your shame and embarrassment?
Plus, the flush has another benefit: It will get rid of odors.
As soon as you drop your poop, flush the toilet so that it will whisk away the smell and noise.
This flush trick works both at work or if you’re at a someone else’s house.
6. Aim It Right
If your poop plops down towards the water, it will make a loud splash or plopping noise. And it’ll only be a matter of time before EVERYONE knows what you’re doing.
To prevent this, you can always place some tissue paper into the water of the toilet bowl (as discussed in Tip #3). But what if you don’t have anything else?
All you have to do is adjust your posture and sitting position on the toilet.
Don’t sit over the toilet completely. Instead, shift forward so that you’re sitting on the slight edge of the toilet.
This way, your poop won’t land directly in the center of the toilet bowl, creating that embarrassing noise.
If your poop hits the sides of the toilet bowl, it will make much less noise. Instead of a loud SPLASH, it will be a quiet splat.
The downside of this is that your poop can stick to the sides of the bowl, which can also be embarrassing. As much as possible, still be courteous to other people (especially the next person) by keeping things neat and tidy.
7. Control Your Speed
Among the tips we shared, this one might be up for a debate: Controlling the speed of your poop.
There are two ways to go about it.
One approach is pooping as quickly as you can. Then, ACT COOL and wash your hands, as if all you did was number one in the toilet.
This way, no one will think you took a dump in the toilet.
For this method, you CAN’T dilly-dally.
Do not bring any magazines or reading materials. Don’t scroll through your phone while pooping.
Don’t, God forbid, talk to your co-worker in the next stall.
However, another way to go about this is to take your time instead. Why?
For starters, you might not have enough tools to cover up the noise.
In that case, control the speed of your poop so it plops down slowly. This way, there’ll be lesser chances of it making an explosive sound.
Final Point: People Poop, Get Over It
Fact check: Everyone poops.
While pooping is a natural occurrence, it is much more difficult to accept that fact if you’re at work or in public.
So, we hope these tips gave you an idea of how to get out of a sticky situation next time. Follow these tips, and you’ll be on your way to becoming a master of stealth pooping.
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